When Edward Was Dead
by vulnzme
Summary: Just how many emotions can one heart handle? After a horrible accident, Bella, Jasper, and Edward each find themselves confronting that question. Is there a breaking point? AH/OOC. Rated M for language and lemons. **ON INDEFINITE HIATUS**
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Want to thank LaraCFF, VancityLili, and Coolbreeeze for helping me get this fic off the ground :)**

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters, the characters own me.**

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**Ch. 1**

"As darkness craves the mind  
We come undone without our pride  
No time on Earth to come  
All the pleasure's just begun  
40 miles from the sun"_  
40 Miles from the Sun - Bush_

_If Edward is dead, I will die too._

This is the only thought that pulsed through Bella's mind as she drove haphazardly fast on the snowy roads. The thought raged liked a pent up animal, throwing itself against the walls of her mind and clawing viciously at the muscle that beat frantically within her chest. The tires had already slid numerous times, the back end of her old truck wagging from side to side on a few occasions, but she refused to slow down. She shivered and wiped furiously at the windshield that fogged before her. She was unable to keep from coughing and panting the warm air from her lungs onto the glass. The tears that streamed liberally down her cheeks and neck added to the cold. She had left in a rush, not even grabbing her coat, barely slipping on her ratty old boots before throwing herself out the door of her apartment and into her truck.

The weather was horrible. An unusually rabid blizzard had stampeded in, covering the tiny town of Forks, Washington in a wet, icy, white blanket of danger. There had been a severe weather warning the day before, and, naturally, people went nuts. Grocery stores had practically been ransacked and general stores were a zoo as people tried to prepare for the impending storm. Now, the roads were practically invisible, everything was white, everything was dark, and the air was perilously frigid.

Bella dragged the back of her hand roughly over her eyes, trying to clear them of the incapacitating flood of tears. She bit her bottom lip, trying to stifle the incessant chattering of her teeth. Her phone was clutched firmly in her left hand, which also held the steering wheel. Her other hand gripped the wheel so tightly that her knuckles were bone white in the dark blue glow of the night. The cold had caused her to lose feeling in her fingers long ago. She hadn't turned on the heater, knowing that it wouldn't even be warm by the time she got to the hospital.

_The hospital_, she thought, peering ahead of her at some very faint lights off the side of the road in the distance. The truck jolted again, the back end shifting to the left, crossing what was probably the center of the road. It was hard to tell where the center of the road was at this point, the snow easily five inches deep on the asphalt. Bella gasped and lifted her foot off the pedal, trying to gain control of the vehicle. When it slowed, she narrowed her eyes and pressed gently on the gas again, somehow moving forward.

After a few more minutes she was rolling at a painfully slow pace up the long drive to the emergency entrance of the hospital. The way was anything but clear and the truck seemed about ready to give up against the brutal drag of the thick snow. Lurching into the parking lot, Bella parked next to a row of cars, the spot just big enough for her truck. She didn't know if it was actually a parking spot or not, and she didn't care. She turned the engine off and threw the door open, nearly slipping as she put her feet down hard into the snow that reached past her ankles. She started trudging hurriedly toward the emergency entrance, gripping her hands over her arms, the flimsy long-sleeved thermal tee she wore not even the slightest match for the wind whipping vicious needles of ice around her. Her entire frame shook violently, but it wasn't from the cold. She had no idea what situation awaited her within those sterile, foreboding walls, and the little information that Alice had sobbed at her through the phone had knotted her insides up to the point that she could barely walk. The drive to the hospital had taken double the time it usually took, and her insides had twisted against themselves over and over throughout the duration of the drive. When she reached the doors and they slid open, the wind whistling in the entrance way, Bella forgot how to breathe.

She stepped into the harsh light of the emergency waiting room, her body still convulsing, which had nothing to do with the sadistic winter weather that remained outside, lurking just beyond the threshold. As she stalked forward into the room, her eyes darted around the people seated on the uncomfortable plastic chairs.

"Bella! Oh, Bella!" a defeated, rough voice called out. Bella had barely snapped her head around to find the source of the voice before Alice's arms were around her, wrapping her into a tight hug, her tiny frame crashing against Bella's trembling one. While she couldn't really tell what expression she was wearing, Bella knew she probably looked deranged. As her hands gripped absentmindedly on Alice's upper arms, her eyes rose from the petite woman before her to the small group of people hurrying toward her. Each of them wore similar expressions. Three pairs of bleary, red-rimmed eyes blinked at her as they neared. Rosalie's face was uncharacteristically free of makeup, her lips swollen, hair pulled into a hasty ponytail. Emmett was beside her, his hand dwarfing Rose's as it held hers tightly. His usual gentle features and constant smirk had been replaced by a furrowed brow and lips pressed in a firm line. Jasper trailed behind them, wringing his hands in front of him. Bella's breath hitched in her chest when she saw him, his usual calm and confident disposition now appearing broken, as if she could see pieces of it falling to the floor behind him with each heavy step he took.

_Shit._ Bella's legs shook beneath her as her friends gathered around her, each one reaching out a hand to caress her hair, pat her back, and squeeze her shoulder.

"He's not…" Bella managed to croak before her hand flew up to her mouth, her throat clenching violently. Alice's head jerked up to look at her, confusion on her face before it was replaced with comprehension and horror.

"No, Bella, no…" She said breathily, her eyes welling up as her voice gave out, and Emmett finished for her.

"He's just… he's really hurt, Bells…come here." He tugged Bella lightly by the shoulders toward a circle of chairs in the corner of the room. Bella's head was pounding, a sensation akin to having stood on her head for far too long. She could hear the blood pump in her ears, feel her pulse in her neck, her heart assaulting her chest, as if it were trying to escape. Emmett watched her as he led her to a chair and sat across from her, seeing that she felt as shaken as they all did. Rose sat beside him, and Alice and Jasper flanked each side of Bella. Alice's arm was immediately around her again. Jasper sat hunched over, elbows on his knees, resting his face in his hands a moment before raking his fingers roughly through his mess of wavy, dark blond hair. The tension from Jasper was making Bella feel nauseous, and she curled slightly away from him, into Alice.

She rubbed her eyes and blinked a few times, aware of a few sympathetic glances from strangers around the waiting room. The room was quiet. It was late, after all, and people were wrapped up in their own thoughts. A heavy palm patting her knee snapped Bella out of the fog that would not relinquish its attack on her mind.

"Carlisle has told us all he can, Bella," Emmett sighed, his burly chest expanding with the large breaths he was taking, "but we don't know much at all, he only came out to tell us that Edward's severely injured and that they're working to stabilize him…he took Esme aside to talk to her…"

His words trailed off, and Bella felt like she was listening to him from underwater. Bella was still so confused as to what had actually happened that hearing about Edward's condition was too much. Tears burst from her eyes again after a short hiatus as she tried, uselessly to voice her questions. At seeing Bella break down, Alice too crumbled in on herself, sobbing into her hand. Emmett hugged Rose to his side and she buried her face in his chest. Jasper's face returned to his hands.

"Bella?" A soft voice called to her from some distance. Bella sniffed and looked toward the sound. She jumped up immediately, bounding over to where Esme stood near the front desk, clutching onto Carlisle. Esme's appearance jarred Bella's pace just a bit as she took it in. She had clearly been crying just as hard as the others at some point, and her bottom lip quivered as she reached a hand out to Bella. The hold she had on Carlisle's upper arm looked to be the only thing keeping her standing. When Bella reached them, Carlisle nodded to her grimly, before looking behind her at the somber group sitting attentively in the corner.

"Come, Bella," He said softly, guiding her, much like Emmett had, back over the circle of chairs. Bella was feeling like a puppet, being led here and there, except that the marionette strings seemed to be attached to different pieces of her heart, tugging sickeningly in opposite directions. She sat, her eyes wide, pulse still frantic, and waited for Carlisle to speak. Esme sank down into a chair next to Rose, visibly shaking.

"Do you know what happened, Bella?" He asked, his tone even, but voice weak.

Bella shook her head, and after some stuttering caused by her still chattering teeth, she managed a whisper, "Car wreck…"

"This is what we know, Bella… Edward was out driving just past the old Harrison farm, and his car slid just before the bridge there that goes over the creek," Carlisle paused to take a slow breath, and continued, "The car hit the beginning of the stone wall of the bridge and tumbled down the bank of the creek. It stopped before hitting the water, but it stopped on its side…the driver's side. An elderly couple that lived nearby saw the crash and called the paramedics…" Bella's face was frozen in a horrified expression, her mouth gaping open. Everyone's eyes were on Carlisle as he spoke.

"The paramedics found Edward unconscious…he arrived here at the hospital about thirty minutes after the crash," he paused and rubbed his face briefly, the gesture slightly disconcerting for the others listening with rapt attention.

"He suffered severe head trauma, a broken collarbone from the seatbelt, and the entire left side of his body was bruised and broken from the rolling of the car and the way it stopped on its side…" His words trailed off as tears threatened his eyes. His usual calm, professional demeanor had been tossed to the side when he had seen his son rolled through the doors of the emergency room, broken and almost unrecognizable save for the shock of deep copper hair, matted with drying blood. Before him lay the young man that he had known from birth and taken into his family thirteen years earlier, after the sudden death of his parents, looking as though he would suffer a similar fate.

"He is on life support right now, being monitored for swelling of the brain from the head injuries. We are putting him in a medically induced coma to give him a chance to heal without the possibility of coming to, he would be in so much pain…" Carlisle's voice didn't falter, but the tears finally spilled over, leaving a single thin streak down each of his cheeks. He wiped them roughly away.

No one around him had seen what he had seen. He told them what was true, and what was necessary, but they were only words. In his mind flashed the images of Edward's ghost white face, lips blue and spotted with blood. The blood still flowed from the huge gash across his left temple and forehead from where it had smashed against the window. The entire left side of his face was covered in dark bruises and cuts. What had been under the cover of heavy blankets when he arrived at the hospital became horrifyingly evident once inside the trauma room, when his clothes were cut away from him and tubes were attached to his body. The bruising that distorted his face was echoed down the left side of his body. Carlisle knew just by sight that there had to be numerous broken ribs, a broken arm, and possibly a fractured pelvis. His heartbeat was weak, his breathing shallow and failing, and so he was attached to the machines that would keep him alive until Carlisle could put him back together. The images from years ago of his best friends, Edward's parents, broken and unresponsive in their hospital beds after their own horrific highway accident assaulted his mind once again.

Esme let out a strangled sob and buried her face in Carlisle's chest. Bella could only stare at Carlisle, trying to process what he had told her as tears fell unheeded. Everyone was quiet for a few minutes, until Carlisle said something about having to get back to Edward, stroking Bella's cheek apologetically before hurrying off down the hallway. No one said a word. All they could think about were the mental images of the broken man they knew as a best friend, a son, or a lover. A muffled, angry sob shook Bella from her thoughts, and her head snapped around to look at Jasper, who was rocking back and forth, his face in his hands. She reached out tentatively, as if this tortured person next to her weren't real, because she had certainly never thought she would see Jasper so distraught. When her fingers touched his shoulder, he stood suddenly with his hand fisted in his hair and stomped off toward the exit. The eyes of everyone in the small waiting room followed him as he disappeared through the doors, the menacing whistle of the wind outside a haunting dirge to his departure. With a heavy sigh, Emmett stood, putting his coat on and grabbing the coat that Jasper hadn't bothered with and headed outside after his friend.

In the hours that followed, things were very quiet in the waiting room. At one point, Bella and her friends were the only ones there. Sometime in the night, Bella's father, Forks PD Chief Charlie Swan, arrived. He did his best to comfort her, although mostly feeling awkward and uncomfortable. Bella was sure that when he got dispatched to aid with a car stuck on the highway, he was somewhat relieved to escape from the suffocating misery that seemed to hang over their heads. Bella herself felt like she was drowning in it. She replayed the words Carlisle had spoken in her head again and again. _Broken. Life support. Coma._

Emmett had returned with Jasper after about twenty minutes, both of them shivering, their faces red and whipped from the wind and snow. Jasper said nothing as he sat down beside Bella again, an eerily blank expression on his face. Carlisle had joined them a few more times, never having much to add in the ways of news, but giving them the standard doctor protocol that they were doing everything they could. It was about 2:00am when Carlisle sank quietly down into a chair next to a sleeping Emmett, who was snoring softly with his arm around Rose as she also slept on his chest. Alice and Esme were both asleep as well, looking far from tranquil, their faces tight, postures uncomfortable. Bella looked up at Carlisle, who looked positively worn out. Jasper, too, glanced up from the hole in the knee of his jeans that he had made bigger over the past few hours from his incessant picking. Carlisle spoke softly, "There was some swelling in the brain, but it seems to have stopped and should go down from this point…his vitals are stable for now but we're keeping him on a breathing machine to keep his body from working too hard." Bella squeezed her eyes shut, wanting to feel a wave a relief, but it never came; she knew he was still so far from being okay. "Do either of you know what Edward was doing out driving in this damn weather in the first place?" Carlisle asked, his voice quiet but edged with anger. Bella had been wondering the same thing. Jasper stiffened beside her, which did not go unnoticed. Bella and Carlisle looked to Jasper, registering his drawn and shadowed face as he averted his eyes.

"Jazz?" Bella said quietly, seeing him flinch at her soft, pleading tone. Jasper was fighting the urge to storm out of the room again, not that it had helped him escape from what he was feeling. He didn't want them to know it was his own stupid fault that Edward had been out driving. He didn't want to tell them that it was his own idiotic mistake at going out in the storm that had led Edward to where he was now, broken and barely clinging to life. The shame and the guilt strangled his throat and he huffed involuntarily.

"Jasper, if you know why he was out, you need to tell us," Carlisle whispered sternly. He reached out a hand to place it on Jasper's shoulder.

Not taking his eyes off whatever spot on the floor he had them trained on, Jasper mumbled something that sounded like "to get me." When neither Carlisle nor Bella responded, he looked up at their strained, confused faces.

"He was coming to pick me up, because my car was stuck on the side of the road…I…I had gone out to buy some groceries because I was hungry and there wasn't much food in the house at all…" He whispered, feeling the hot shame wash over him as he rambled.

"I got to the store just fine…slowly, but fine…but on the way back I slid off the side of the road and got stuck…so I called Edward to come get me…" he continued quietly. As Bella listened and took in his pained face, she realized what had Jasper so tormented. The guilt was like a black shroud, enveloping him, tainting his expression, his posture and his words. Carlisle rubbed his face with his hands for a moment, sighing. Bella saw shame flashing behind the cool jade of Jasper's eyes as he watched Carlisle.

"Neither of you should have gone out in this ridiculous weather, Jasper, that was very foolish," Carlisle barked, the tone of his voice making both Bella and Jasper flinch. Jasper's jaw clenched shut and he looked to the floor again.

"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to snap at you, of course this isn't your fault, just a horrible accident," Carlisle said after a moment, his tone softening, returning his hand to grip at Jasper's shoulder. Tears trickled down Jasper's cheeks, and he lowered his face further, his hair falling into his eyes.

After a moment, Carlisle spoke again, "You two could go see him for a moment, if you would like…" Bella stood up immediately, Carlisle standing up a moment after, grabbing her arm gently.

"Bella, please understand that you're going to see a lot of unpleasant things…he's heavily bandaged, we've cleaned him up as best as we can for now, but there are many tubes and machines…" he said calmly, watching her face. She nodded solemnly and then glanced down at Jasper, who was still looking at the floor, wringing his hands.

"Aren't you coming, Jazz?" She said softly, her fingers brushing the renegade hair from his face. It killed her to see Jasper so upset and full of self-loathing. They were all feeling terrible about Edward's condition, but feeling responsible for it was breaking him into pieces. He glanced up slightly, not meeting Bella's eyes, and mumbled, "No, I'll…I'll go in after you…go be with him." He lowered his gaze again.

Bella looked back at Carlisle and he began to lead her off toward the patient rooms. They walked in silence. Bella's body began to tremble slightly, afraid of what she was going to see. She wanted to see Edward, she wanted to feel his warm skin and watch his chest rise and fall, but she also knew that those things were only possible thanks to the machines he was hooked up to at the moment. The hospital was eerily quiet. Bella took deep breaths, trying to calm herself. When they stopped before a closed door, Carlisle looked down at her. He reached out and turned the knob on the door, pushing it open slowly. Sounds filled Bella's ears first; a low beeping sound and slow whooshing. She took a few steps forward into the dark room, the only light coming from a small table lamp in the corner. The light from the hallway faded and she looked behind her. Carlisle had closed the door until it was only barely cracked open. He had stayed in the hallway. Bella bit her lip as she walked forward. Nearing the bed, she brushed back the flimsy curtain that still blocked her view of his face, and then she stopped breathing.

Edward lay there, under a multitude of blankets. His head was almost completely covered in gauze. The left side of his face was buried in bandages that continued up and around his head, so that only a small patch of his auburn hair peeked out. Just to the side of the edge of the gauze, Bella could see dark bruising, his left eye encircled in deep purple. His lips and his nose had tiny red scratches. She stepped closer, her eyes wide. There was a thick tube stuck in his mouth. She watched his chest rise slowly, in time with the whooshing sound from the machine, before it fell again. The blankets were pulled up around his neck, but she could see beneath the cloth the hard lines of a cast along his left arm. His right arm was exposed, the skin smooth and pristine compared to how she could imagine the other side looked. An IV was stuck into the top of his hand, taped into place, evidence of dried blood underneath the tape. Bella reached a hand tentatively toward his forearm, brushing her fingers against his skin softly. At the feel of his warm skin on her own, she choked out a quiet sob, clasping her hand over her mouth quickly. She looked through tear-filled eyes at the monitor beside him, watching the rhythmic spike of his heartbeat, hearing the cadence of the low beeps that was so much slower than her own frantic heart. She reached up and touched her fingers gingerly to the tuft of hair that was visible. He looked so broken, so fragile, she was afraid to even breathe around him. She stood for several minutes, trying to imagine the beautiful face beneath the gauze, without bruises; perfect, stunning, happy.

Light spilled into the room as Carlisle opened the door slightly. Bella sniffed, trying to quell her cries. She kissed her fingers and brushed them gently over the right side of Edward's face, whispering an "I love you" before shuffling slowly toward the door, blinking at the harsh light. As soon as she stepped out of the room she felt as though she had lost half of herself. She wanted to stay in the room with him, she didn't want to leave him in that bed, lost in his own sedated mind.

She felt herself being enveloped in a firm hug. She shut her eyes, squeezing more tears out in the process, wetting a spot on Carlisle's tie. She pulled away slowly as he loosened his hold. His face was so weary, the bags under his eyes so prominent. Frown lines etched his face, but he attempted a lopsided smile for Bella.

With a slow sigh, he said softly, "We'll get him through this Bella…" She nodded, and noticed Jasper standing against the wall behind Carlisle. When their eyes met, he dropped his gaze quickly to the floor. Bella felt too shaken to say anything, and began walking back to the waiting room so she could sit again, fearing her legs wouldn't hold her for much longer. She glanced back behind her to see Jasper disappearing into Edward's room.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I love my betas, y'all are gorejuzzzz ;D  
**

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters, the characters own me.**

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**Ch. 2**

"All the cracks they lead  
Right to me and  
All the cracks will crawl  
Right through me,  
And I fell apart"_  
The Leaving Song – AFI_

The sunlight through the windows painted the dirty waiting room floor with the kind of brightness only a snow covered outside can produce. The shimmering shadows of melting ice dripped rapidly down the squares of light. Jasper's eyes were trained hard on one of these squares. His eyes to the floor, he could almost match the dripping of the melted snow to the tireless pounding of his heart. A movement in the corner of his eye distracted him. Bella's foot slipped ever so slightly on the hard floor, but she still slept. Jasper stared at her for a moment. He had hardly been able to look in her general direction since this whole ordeal started. Now she dozed quietly, albeit restlessly. Her hair was in a sloppy ponytail, hastily pulled back at some point during the night. Her arms were crossed over her chest, her head laid to the side and against the wall. Her face was relaxed, but the harsh light from the windows accented the dark circles under her eyes, and the sharp, downward turn of her lips made Jasper look away again. The sequence of events that had put that strain on her face ran through his mind for what seemed like the hundredth time.

When his car had slid off the side of the road, he had experienced a slight shock of adrenaline, but enjoyed it. There was nothing for him to hit, no danger whatsoever, so he had just grinned to himself, shaking his head at the craziness outside. It wasn't until he tried to pull forward again that the grin had turned into a few expletives and fists pounding down on the steering wheel. He had stepped out of the car swiftly, feeling the crunch of the snow beneath his black cowboy boots, and inspected the tires. He was definitely stuck. He paused for a minute, only slightly irked. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he looked around. He was on a country road, with the grocery store now a good three miles behind him. _Perfect_.

He had called Edward after a few moments of hesitation. Edward had been annoyed, but didn't protest too much. What was he going to do, leave Jasper stranded in the storm? Jasper waited calmly, enjoying the tranquility of a world buried in winter weather. The snow fell heavily, already having blanketed the road and the trees around him. Everything was white. It was dark out, the only light coming from the headlights of his car. What should have been an eerie silence struck Jasper as more peaceful. He leaned against the car door. The large, fluffy snowflakes caught in his hair, on his jacket, on his eyelashes. Just for the hell of it, he looked up and stuck out his tongue, feeling multiple little stings of cold as the flakes landed there. That reminded him of how hungry he was. The apartment he and Edward shared never had enough food in it. Usually either he or Edward would pick up whatever they were craving at the last minute, only buying the daily essentials to stock up on. For some reason, the threats of horrible weather hadn't spurred them to take precautionary measures, and Jasper had decided to pick up a few things from the store. When he began to shiver from the cold, Jasper returned to the driver's seat of the car, cranking up the heat. He reached into the plastic grocery bag and pulled out the Snickers bar he had grabbed at the last minute. He had bought apples, bread, sandwich meat, lettuce, and cheese, and figured the Snickers would be a good fill for the "candy bar" food group. To be fair he had bought Edward one too. He reclined his seat, closing his eyes and savoring the chocolate he so rarely allowed himself to enjoy.

He may have been dozing off when his phone rang, startling him slightly. He had brushed the candy bar crumbs off his shirt and answered the phone, simultaneously glancing at the clock and coughing a bit when he realized he had been waiting almost an hour for Edward to show up. Alice's frantic voice over the phone confused him for a moment, and what she said confused him even more. He had to tell her to slow down so he could understand what she was saying. He hardly got any words out, answering the questions she barked at him in one word responses. When the line went dead all he knew was that Edward was in the hospital and that Emmett was on his way to pick him up in his Jeep.

Jasper stared at his phone, wanting to call Emmett and tell him not to come get him, since that was apparently a horrible idea. But his hand just shook in front of his face. Finally, he shoved his phone back into his pocket, put the car in drive, and smashed his foot down on the gas pedal. The car jerked slightly, but the wheels gained no friction, spinning in place, the wet grinding noise taunting Jasper's desperation. He tried again, with no luck.

"Fuck!" He growled, slamming the car into park and turning it off, wrenching the door open and stepping outside. He paced up and down next to his car, tugging at his hair and watching the road in the direction that Emmett would be coming from. He had no idea what had happened, aside from the obvious fact that Edward had wrecked his car.

"_He's hurt, Jazz, he's really hurt_," was all Alice had said, over and over, her voice frantic. She had been shouting out orders to Rose and Emmett while she spoke to Jasper, and the whole brief conversation had been insane. As the reality continued to sink in, Jasper grew more and more agitated. He shivered in the cold, but didn't want to sit in his car anymore. After what seemed like an eternity, high-beam headlights flooded the snowy road with light. When Emmett's humongous Jeep finally ground to a stop next to him, he climbed into the passenger's seat without a word. Emmett was silent also, and Jasper knew that was a bad sign.

The ride to the hospital had been tense. After picking Rose and Alice up, the four sat quietly through the duration of the drive. The roads proved little challenge for Emmett's all-wheel drive, and Jasper found himself walking through the emergency room doors faster than he could have imagined. Everything was a blur for him at that point. No information could be gained from the lady at the front desk, and Carlisle only made a brief appearance once Esme arrived, glossing over sparse details with an anxiety in his voice and on his face that no one could ignore. Then, all anyone could do was to wait. And then Bella…

Jasper looked up at Bella's sleeping face again. She breathed steadily, deeply in and out. When she had stepped into the emergency room the night before, and Jasper had first laid eyes on her, he thought his blood had turned to ice in his veins. She was terrified, absolutely freaking out, and it was all his fault. Worse still, when Carlisle had come out talk to everyone in more detail, the graveness of Edward's situation became more apparent. It had been too much at that point, and although actually leaving was certainly out of the question, he wanted to get away from the suffocating sadness around him. Without a second thought, he went outside, into the damning storm that raged just beyond the hospital walls. The wind whipped the hair in his face and cut through the fabric of his thin long-sleeved tee like it was nothing. He just kept walking, crushing the formidable snow beneath his boots with each step, wanting to blame it for everything, but feeling in the pit of his stomach that the blame was his alone. Emmett came bounding up behind him only moments later.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, man?" He huffed, grabbing Jasper's arm and spinning him roughly to face him. Jasper shivered against his will, his hands in his pockets and his eyes trained downward at the snow-covered ground. He couldn't speak. Emmett shoved Jasper's coat against his chest, almost knocking him down with the force. Jasper's eyes shot up to Emmett's face, the anger he found there taking him by surprise. He searched Emmett's eyes for something as he took his coat in his hands, hesitating before pulling it on. Emmett looked away, pulling the hood of his coat over his head. Jasper's chest tightened further when he felt sure that it had been a look of accusation he had seen on Emmett's face. His body reacted in the only response it seemed to be having lately, and he turned to stomp away again, toward nothing in particular. He heard a string of expletives leave Emmett's mouth, muffled by the wind. He halfway hoped that Emmett would lose his cool like he so often did when they were younger and would get into fist fights, each one going home hating the other afterward. Things always went back to normal the next day, and they would laugh at each other's bruises. But Jasper wanted someone, anyone, to deliver him the punishment he felt he deserved…which is why, he supposed, he was walking around in the middle of a blizzard.

He had spent a while outside, pacing, trying to calm his raging thoughts while his body was rocked by violent chills from the weather. Emmett stood where Jasper had left him, which was odd. He simply stood, hands in his coat pockets, head down, still as a statue as Jasper lost his mind. Jasper kept looking back at him, getting angry at the out-of-character indifference, but eventually gave in and trudged back, passing Emmett on the way back to the emergency entrance.

The night had been a whirlwind and endless all at once. Everyone seemed to just stew in their own thoughts and sadness. No one talked much. Eventually, everyone but Bella and Jasper had fallen asleep. When Carlisle came to give them the meager update on Edward's condition, he had finally asked the question that Jasper had been dreading all night.

"Do either of you know what Edward was doing out driving in this damn weather in the first place?" he had asked, the fire under his tone immediately apparent to Jasper. He couldn't avoid his reaction to the question. His body tensed as he felt the blood drain from his face and a sickening feeling swirled in his stomach. When Carlisle and Bella both noticed this, he had to stammer out his explanation, the words he mumbled sounding like they were coming from someone else. Carlisle's anger grew hotter as he chastised Jasper's idiocy, and then rebuked his words. Jasper figured it was a farce, the coals of Carlisle's anger, while graying on the tops, would still be glowing hot below. Although he sat eerily still, Jasper felt as though he was trembling. He felt like a scolded child, but this was so much worse than knocking over mommy's favorite vase. He had broken Carlisle's son, the love of Bella's life… Before he could stop them, the hot tears that had welled up in his eyes spilled over silently. He simply sat still, his tangled hair acting as a veil over his face, wishing he could disappear. The trace of the traitor tears had almost disappeared when Bella moved the hair away from his face, asking if he was going to visit Edward in his room. He somehow managed to choke out a response, his voice rough, telling her to go ahead.

He had watched Bella and Carlisle walk off and disappear down the long hallway. He felt numb. Every cell in his body buzzed from the hot shame that had washed over him and now he just simmered, not knowing what to think, what to do, or how to feel.

It wasn't long at all before Carlisle had reappeared, staying by the hallway entrance. For a few minutes he went unnoticed, and stared at the man that looked so much like a boy in that moment. Trying to maintain the strength and confidence everyone needed to see in him was exhausting, but as he watched Jasper rake his hands through his hair over and over again he felt nothing but remorse for even hinting at anger toward him. He knew Jasper could have no real fault in the events of the night. Anyone could point to certain aspects and say what should have been done differently, but in the end it was all just horrible misfortune. Carlisle was familiar with such feelings of guilt. He had tried for hours to save his friends, Edward's parents, and had failed. He had lived for so long feeling that it had all been in his hands and that he had failed them and Edward. But he had come to accept, even when it was painfully difficult, that he was not to blame for their deaths. He thought of the heart wrenching guilt that he had felt for so long, and it made him hurt for Jasper. He knew that regardless of what people say, often the hardest person to forgive is yourself. So he decided to say nothing of it.

Jasper looked up eventually and noticed Carlisle leaning against the wall, a weary expression on his face. Carlisle motioned for him to come with him. Standing slowly on stiff legs, Jasper sighed and slumped off toward him. Carlisle said nothing and turned to walk down the hall. When they reached Edward's room, Jasper stood back against the wall of the hallway, fighting the urge to shiver with the discomfort he was feeling. He watched as Bella exited the room and Carlisle wrapped her in a hug that he could tell they both desperately needed. He subconsciously pressed his back into the wall, feeling like he shouldn't be there. Bella caught his eyes and he looked away, a lump rising in his throat again. He was getting very tired of the emotions pounding through him; he wanted to just shut them off. Bella slinked off down the hallway back toward the waiting room, and Carlisle turned to him, his eyes sad. Motioning for Jasper to follow him, he stepped softly into the dimly lit room.

In all his twenty-five years, Jasper had never been in a hospital. As weird as that was, it was the truth. He had never been injured severely enough to need one, and had never had to visit anyone before. His grandparents were still alive and kickin', well into their 80s, healthy as horses. They told people every day it was because of their hearty, simple Texan lives. The closest they had come to death was probably when they found out that Jasper's parents were moving halfway across the country and taking their only grandson with them.

He thought about the stark difference between his reality and the reality of the man lying beneath blankets, tubes, and bandages before him. Edward was only twelve years old when his parents were both killed in a car accident. They had not lasted long in the hospital as far as Jasper knew. Carlisle and Esme had adopted Edward immediately. Edward had no other family that could care for him. At the time, all but one of his grandparents had already passed, and his remaining grandmother was falling to dementia in a nursing home. Jasper met Edward on the first day of his sophomore year of high school. He had arrived in Forks about three weeks before. Houston was still fresh on his mind and he wore his Texan pride, garnering snickers and remarks about his cowboy boots and southern drawl. Jasper wasn't one to care about those kinds of remarks, rather liking the attention he got for his differences. He and Edward hit it off as friends right away. Edward was quiet, but popular in his own right. His best friend Emmett was also quite popular, but not so quiet. The three quickly became inseparable. One day, some months into his first year in Forks, Jasper made a comment about Edward not looking a thing like his parents, and was rather nonchalantly informed by Edward that his parents were dead, and that Carlisle and Esme were his adoptive parents. Shocked was an understatement to how Jasper received the news, but little more was said about it that day. You would never have known that Edward had lost his parents only three years before.

He stared at his best friend now, barely recognizable under the bandages. Edward had been in the hospital a few times since Jasper had known him, but only for minor things. There had been a broken arm and a broken nose in high school, and stitches from a gash on his chin from where Emmett had tackled him to the ground during a midnight football game some years ago. The three of them were all certainly very rough at times, but Jasper had always managed to escape with minor cuts, scrapes, and bruises. He stepped closer to the hospital bed, the sounds in the room distracting and confusing him. He stood at Edward's feet and raised his hand to pull at his hair as he took in the sight. Carlisle's voice startled him.

"We think he was driving much too fast for the conditions…" his voice was soft, sadness coming through in every syllable. Jasper looked over at him and back at Edward. Of course he had been driving too fast, he _always_ drove too fast. Jasper didn't stay in the room very long. He had been momentarily calmed by the sight of his friend alive and breathing, but it didn't last long. Edward was alive, but he was lost somewhere inside his head, breathing only with the help of machines. After just a few minutes, he turned on his heels and slowly walked out of the room, his chest tight. He stopped just outside of the door and looked back. Carlisle had sat down in the chair next to Edward's bed and was staring up at the ceiling, rubbing the back of his neck roughly. Jasper hunched his shoulders and headed back down the hallway.

When he had reached the seating area again, Bella looked up at him. The others still slept quietly, and he envied them. He stood for a moment in front of his chair, and he could feel Bella's eyes on him. He looked at her then, meeting and holding her gaze for the first time that night. She looked…expectant? Jasper couldn't tell what expression he wore on his face, and he eventually let his gaze fall again, not knowing what to say to Bella. He sank back down in his chair, breathing out a heavy breath that he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Bella bit her lip and returned her gaze to her hands that were folded in her lap.

The night had dragged from that point. Bella fell asleep sometime before dawn, and Jasper kept standing up to pace around the room for a while just to move his legs. When the sun rose, it was accompanied by rain. Jasper went outside for a while, marveling at how quickly the weather could turn in this town. He scowled as he watched the piles of snow being washed away by the heavy downpour. The temperature had risen slightly and the wind had calmed. It seemed like just another rainy day it Forks. It would have been…except everything was horribly wrong. And now the vicious snow and ice that had turned the world he knew upside down last night was melting away. He even saw the hint of sunlight off on the horizon, and he hated it with everything he had.

When he came back inside, he found that the others had woken up. Bella slept deeply, and Alice stroked her hair absentmindedly. After a short while they all decided to head home for a bit, as they all had things to tend to. Rose had to work a few hours from then, so Emmett and Alice were going with her back to the apartment that she and Emmett shared. Esme wanted to get some things for Carlisle. Apparently he had come out to talk to them while Jasper had been outside. There wasn't much news; Edward's vitals had dropped a few times in the night, briefly and randomly, but his condition was stable now. The others hadn't wanted to wake Bella, but Jasper told them to go ahead and that he was going to stay for a while longer. They each gave him a hug before they left. He could hardly find the strength to wrap his arms around them in return, feeling like he shouldn't be getting any hugs whatsoever. He knew they certainly needed them though, and he gripped each of them tightly before they left, promising to be in touch.

It had been about an hour since the others had left, and Jasper was having trouble sitting still. He kept getting up to wander the room a bit, or to stare out the emergency doors, occasionally stepping outside to breathe in the crisp air. Upon returning to his seat after one of these breathers, he was met by Carlisle. He was looking haggard. For a moment, Jasper wondered how Carlisle could even still be conscious, but then he realized he himself was somehow still functioning.

"Jasper," Carlisle nodded to him. Jasper searched his face for any sign of bad news, but found none. All he saw was fatigue, which still made his stomach twist in a pang of guilt. Jasper gave Carlisle a similar slight nod of the head.

"I just wanted to come out and insist that you and Bella go for a bit, you both look exhausted and really…" he paused here, sighing, "there's no reason for you to stay at this point." Bella stirred. Jasper looked over at her, watching her brow furrow before she opened her eyes. She blinked a few times, and upon seeing Carlisle before her, took in a sharp breath and sat up. Carlisle held up his hands and sat down in the chair across from her.

"It's ok, Bella. I was just telling Jasper that I think you two should go home for a while, get some rest," he said softly. When he saw Bella's face contort in protest, he continued, "Bella, sweetie, you don't need to stay here at the hospital right now. Edward is being watched very carefully, and he's healing, but it will be a very long process. It could be a long time before there is anything new. You need to rest, to eat…take care of yourself too."

Bella's eyes welled up at the very thought of leaving. She knew that what Carlisle said was true. Edward was…well, he was practically in another world right now. She was uncomfortable and exhausted despite her slumber. Her stomach, which had not ceased to twist on itself since receiving the news of Edward's accident, churned with another pain that she assumed was hunger. She looked up at Jasper, who was standing rigid, hands in his pockets. His stance relaxed a bit when he caught her gaze.

"I don't have a ride at the moment," Jasper mumbled, dropping his gaze to the floor as he continued, "Could I maybe drive us out in your truck to where my car is?" Bella nodded weakly and looked to Carlisle again. He gave her a small smile and stood, offering her his hand. She took it and got to her feet. She bit her lip to resist the emotions that rose in her throat, and stepped forward to hug him. He held her tenderly, patting her back but not uttering a word. She pulled away and looked into his tired eyes.

"You need to rest too, Carlisle," she said quietly. He nodded and ran his fingers through his short blond hair.

"I will…another doctor is coming in to keep an eye on Edward's condition within the hour. I will be back this evening though," he responded, his jaw tensing at the end. Bella knew that no amount of arguing could keep him away from the hospital for any longer than he already reluctantly planned, at least not for now. He looked to Jasper, whose gaze was still fixed on the floor, and reached out to pat him on the shoulder. Jasper looked up slightly, and nodded once again. Pulling his hands from his pockets, he picked up Bella's coat from one of the chairs, holding it out to her before putting on his own.

Carlisle watched them leave before turning and walking slowly back to Edward's room.

Bella sat quietly in the passenger's seat of her beat-up old truck. The roads were fine now, the heavy rain of the morning having washed away most of the snow and ice. She remembered the difficult drive the night before and scowled. Jasper drove at a leisurely pace. When they rolled to a stop at a four-way intersection, Bella looked over at him. He wasn't wearing his seatbelt.

"Jazz…" she said, quietly. He looked over at her, almost startled, as if he didn't know she was there. She tapped the loose buckle that hung from the side of his seat. He looked down at her hand and back up at her face, betraying no emotion before pulling roughly at the seatbelt and buckling it. They hadn't spoken a word since leaving the hospital. Jasper had been acting so closed-off since the whole ordeal had started, but now he was being more attentive. He had helped her into the truck, asking if she felt alright before pulling away from the hospital. It reminded Bella of when she had first met him.

Alice had excitedly introduced her to him at a school dance her freshman year. He was awfully cordial for a junior, and quite well dressed. All night, he made a point to make small talk with Bella, but his focus was clearly on Alice, who hung on his every word. Bella was embarrassed by his forward charm, and gladly hid behind Alice's endearing energy. It wasn't long though before Jasper was joined by two of his friends, and Bella's attention was drawn elsewhere.

Bella lowered her head as she thought of the first time she met Edward, feeling sad and unwilling to reminisce. She looked over at Jasper again. Since they had all become friends, so many years ago, he had always been more casual around her. He was always a gentleman, well…_usually_ a gentleman, but their little group had become more like a family at this point. They were all regular, daily staples in one another's lives. The distant, silent man sitting next to her now seemed unfamiliar. It made her uneasy.

Jasper spotted his tired little blue Mustang on the side of the muddy road ahead. Where last night it had been anchored down by piles of snow, it was now free. Small patches of white on the grass were all that remained. He did a U-turn and pulled over behind the car. The truck came to a slow stop and Jasper turned off the ignition. Bella looked around, not having realized they had arrived already.

Jasper sighed loudly, a flame of anger rather than relief growing in his chest at the sight of his car, unscathed and unobstructed. Bella looked over at him but he hastily opened the door of the truck and got out. She did the same, stopping to stand next to him in front of the truck.

He turned toward her slightly, fisting his hair and avoiding her gaze again.

"Okay…" he said, almost inaudibly.

In that moment, Bella wrapped her arms around him, tired of the insanely uncomfortable distance. She knew he blamed himself, and how much he cared about Edward. Whatever thoughts were ravaging his mind as he kept silent were just making the situation harder. She was scared and worried, exhausted and lost, and she needed her friend back.

Jasper tensed, shocked for a moment at Bella's sudden embrace. Slowly, he brought his hands up, resting them lightly against her back, not liking the thoughts running through his mind at all. He didn't understand how Bella could stand to be near him, let alone want to hug him. Again, he told himself it was out of necessity; she needed comfort, perhaps more than anyone right now. So he tried his best to fight the shame ripping through him and ease her mind. He wrapped his arms around her, staring at the back wheel of his car. Her face was against his shoulder. He felt her quivering and thought for a moment that she was cold, until he heard a sharp intake of breath and a strangled sob. He pressed his lips into a hard line and shut his eyes.

Bella hadn't wanted to get emotional with him, but she didn't exactly have control over that at the moment. The events of the night before weighed down on her once she felt Jasper's familiar embrace.

The fear of not knowing what happened to Edward, learning of his condition…his very _critical_ condition, the waiting, the fatigue, Carlisle's distress, and Jasper...she had never seen him so…_messed up_ over anything. It all hit her at once, and she couldn't stifle the emotions tearing at her, though she tried to muffle them against the fabric of Jasper's coat.

They stood like that for a few short minutes. Jasper didn't know what else he could do but be there for whatever Bella was working through in her mind. It was quiet on the country road, the only sound coming from the biting wind. Finally, Bella's sobs seemed to fade. She pulled away slightly, bringing her hands to her face to wipe the tears.

Jasper shifted and pulled a white handkerchief from his back pocket, holding it out for Bella. She took in with numb hands. It really was cold out.

"It's clean…" Jasper said, smiling a little, wanting to remove the pain from her eyes. She looked up at him, her eyes red and her lashes damp. She dabbed the cloth at her eyes, sniffling occasionally, and then passed it under her nose a few times. "Er…it was anyway."

Bella laughed despite herself and shoved Jasper's shoulder. The tightening in his chest eased just a bit at the sight of a smile on her face. She held the cloth tentatively out to him and he waved his hand.

"Hold onto it, just in case," he said quietly, trying to put on a grimace. She rolled her eyes and shoved the cloth into her coat pocket. Jasper lowered his eyes to the ground again as silence fell.

Bella watched as Jasper lost himself in his thoughts once more and sighed. He had seemed like the normal Jazz that she was used to for just a few short moments. Now the shadows crept over his expression once again.

"Are you going to be okay driving home, Bella?" he asked after a moment, looking over at his car again. Bella nodded until she realized he wasn't looking at her, and answered with a soft, "Yes."

He hunched his shoulders then and pulled his car keys out of his coat pocket.

"Okay, I'll see you soon," he mumbled, looking up at her for just a moment before trudging over to his car and getting in.

Bella turned and climbed into her truck, starting the engine and waiting for Jasper to pull away.

Jasper sat for a moment in his car, listening to the hum of the engine. The plastic grocery bag in the seat beside him rustled from the vibration of the motor. He looked at it with hate, and then sighed to himself when he realized he was getting angry at groceries. He put the car into drive and eased his foot off the break. The car moved forward with ease. He muttered a few curse words before pressing his foot down on the gas pedal and heading home.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you to my betas! This chapter was hard to knock out and all your help is invaluable!  
**

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters, the characters own me.**

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**Ch. 3**

"I pull up your drive and I lay on the horn,  
Cling to the bottle that's keeping me warm,  
Sweet whiskey Jesus I wish I weren't born"_  
Past Poisons – Patrick Park_

The sound of clinking silverware woke Bella from her restless sleep. It was dark in her room and she was cold, the covers having slid off the side of the bed. She rubbed her eyes groggily. Having been so exhausted when she got home, she had only eaten a few crackers with a cup of tea before going to bed. Regardless, sleep did not come easy. Her pillow was still damp from the tears she had let fall as she tried uselessly to calm her mind enough to sleep.

She looked over at the alarm clock on the stand next to her bed. It was 6:25pm. Had she really been asleep for over six hours? She didn't feel rested at all, and it felt like she had only lain down in bed moments before waking. She sat up, her head protesting the change in position, and held her temples, grimacing. She stood slowly and grabbed her ratty old sweatshirt from the foot of the bed, pulling it on with stiff arms. Light from the hallway was streaming in through where the door had been cracked open. She left her room, squinting in the light, and headed toward the kitchen.

Alice was setting the table for two while something steamed from a large pot on the stove. Alice hadn't been home when Bella arrived, and she just figured she had been with Emmett and Rose at their place.

In fact, Alice had spent the better part of the day on the couch at Emmett's, talking to Rose and at some point falling asleep. Emmett had been silent and distant since leaving the hospital; he had gone straight to bed. When Alice had awoken a couple hours later, Rose had left for work. Alice let herself out, Emmett still sleeping heavily, and went home.

She glanced up when she saw Bella enter the kitchen. She smiled meekly as she placed a brightly colored potholder down on the table. She had made piles of potholders some time ago during a knitting kick she had gone through.

"Did I wake you?" she asked, turning to the pot on the stove. Whatever she was cooking smelled incredible, and Bella's stomach clenched.

"Not really, I wasn't sleeping very soundly…" Bella mumbled, her voice coming out rawer than she expected. She cleared her throat and picked up one of the glasses Alice had placed on the table, filling it with cold water at the sink. As she gulped the water down, Alice eyed her. The mental exhaustion was evident across Bella's features; it had clearly refused to let up even with rest.

Bella avoided Alice's analyzing gaze and went over to the table, sitting down and slouching in the chair. Alice followed behind her with the pot, setting it down on the table. She served a helping of a thick, rich vegetable soup for each of them and then sat down. It was quiet for a few minutes as both girls kept their eyes on the bowls before them while they ate.

"This is so good, Alice, thank you, I didn't really eat when I got home…" Bella said after a moment. Alice smiled meekly at her.

"I'm glad you like it. I was pretty hungry too, I think we've all been thrown off a little bit, you know?" Alice said quietly. Silence fell again and Bella finished her soup more quickly than she realized. She sat at the table, playing absentmindedly with her spoon.

"Have you heard anything?" she said after another quiet while. Alice looked sad.

"No. I mean, I called the hospital a little while ago, just to ask… Carlisle wasn't back yet. They told me there had been no change…that Edward's stable." Alice sighed, finishing the last of her soup. Bella bowed her head and Alice stood, taking both of their bowls to the sink.

"Is Jasper doing any better?" she asked softly, rinsing the bowls and setting them down into the sink.

Bella's mind was filled with the image of Jasper's face when she had left him earlier that morning. She remembered the brief moment of ease and comfort as he held her and joked with her, before his expression clouded over again with the demon of guilt.

Bella shrugged.

Alice bit her lip. She had been as startled as anyone by Jasper's behavior at the hospital. Of all of them, Jasper was always the calm and collected one with a level head. Most people would consider him a generally content person as it seemed that very little ever bothered him.

For the short time in high school that he and Alice had dated, he had been a positive addition to her daily life, and that had not ceased once things had quit working between them. Despite the inevitable disappointment and hurt from their failed relationship, they had remained close friends. Alice credited Jasper's personality with making such a friendship possible, as she was often more difficult and hot-headed.

"I…I really don't know how he can blame himself for what happened," she muttered, "it's not like anyone could have seen that coming. That's why they're called accidents, right?"

Bella looked at her then. They both knew that if they were in his situation they would probably feel the same way, whether it was logical or not. Neither of them knew what to do or say to help him. When Bella didn't say anything, Alice sighed. There really weren't words to be said at this point.

Alice finished clearing the table. Bella stood to help her, her mind feeling pulled in a million different directions.

"Do you want to go visit Edward, Bella?" Alice almost whispered. Bella glanced up at her and nodded.

Bella took a quick shower to try to ease the nerves that gnarled her insides the moment it was decided they would go back to the hospital. She wanted to be near Edward; if she had it her way she'd never be away from him, but seeing him in such a broken and unresponsive condition also scared her. When she had seen him in that hospital bed, she felt like it was a part of herself lying there. She wanted Edward to open his eyes, to move, to speak and smile at her. More than anything, she wanted to just wake up from this nightmare.

~*~*~

Jasper opened his eyes slowly, feeling slightly confused at first. His eyes found the window, where only a dim bluish light shone through. It was dark out. He rubbed his face and turned over onto his back, his ribs sore from sleeping on his stomach. Sighing, his hand fumbled around on his dresser until he found his phone. He flipped it open and flinched from the bright light of the screen. Through watery eyes he read the time; 10:13pm. It was Sunday night and he'd slept the entire day away, not having woken once since finally falling asleep some time after noon. Now he felt wide awake.

He had slept a dreamless sleep, but he awoke in a strange mood, his stomach churning, and not from hunger. He lay in bed for quite some time, feeling conflicted about what to do with himself, wide awake when he should be _going_ to bed. Part him wanted to just stay where he was, wrapped in his blankets, and pretend the outside world didn't exist. He was suddenly very cross that he had awoken at all; sleep had been a welcome escape from reality.

Eventually, he roused himself, wandering somewhat aimlessly through the dark apartment. In the living room, he stood by the window, staring out into the wet darkness. At this hour, he would usually find Edward asleep on the couch, a notebook lying face down on his chest or having fallen to the floor. Such a notebook sat abandoned on the coffee table now. Jasper's fingers twitched when he noticed it. He fought the urge to look through it.

Edward often shared his poetry with Jasper, but Jasper was certain that he did so in moderation, keeping many things to himself. He and Jasper had even managed to throw a few songs together from those poems. The sight of the notebook now just stood as a reminder of a twisted reality.

Jasper sighed and walked swiftly back to his room, pulling on his old tennis shoes and grabbing his coat. He had fallen asleep without changing out of the clothes he had worn the day before. He grabbed his metal flask off of the dresser and headed to the kitchen, thankful to find enough whiskey there to fill it.

He left in an irrational hurry, for he really had nowhere to go. He simply wanted to be _anywhere_ other than the empty place. He tossed the flask onto the passenger's seat as he sat down into his car, starting the engine and revving it loudly before backing out of the parking spot and pulling away.

The night was cool and damp, but the air outside was very crisp and refreshing. Jasper drove with his window down, the wind whipping his hair around wildly. After a short while he pulled over to the side of the country road. He stared ahead, feeling a disturbing numbness.

He grabbed the metal flask and slowly exited his car, feeling like his body was moving in slow motion against his will. He shut the car door softly and began walking forward, the wet ground squishing beneath his shoes. He kept his eyes lowered, hunching his shoulders against the chill of the night.

He stopped in front of the stone block that marked the beginning of the bridge wall. His free hand extended in front of him, hesitating before touching the rough surface. His long, thin fingers traced the deep grooves in the stone. His palm pressed against the contour of the chunk now missing from the structure. He looked around, noticing a few stray pieces of stone littering the grass before him. He kicked at one with his foot, and watched it roll down the sharp decline of the creek bed. He watched it intensely as his stomach twisted in a knot yet again.

He licked his lips and cautiously followed the path that the tumbling stone had taken. He tried not to focus on the deep gashes in the earth that must have been left by a set of tires.

He stood on the muddy bank of the creek, staring at the black water he could hardly see but heard clearly in the quiet night. Once again he was shaken by the contradiction of realities… such beautiful scenery on such a peaceful night. Little more than twenty-four hours before, this quiet creek bed had hosted a pile of broken metal and broken bones.

Images of Edward's silver Volvo, bent and crushed on its side crossed Jasper's mind. He stared at the sodden earth. More images flashed by with thoughts he couldn't control. Broken glass, splitting skin, and the ground covered in white snow that was slowly turning deep crimson.

Jasper balked, stumbling backward and squeezing his eyes shut. He looked around him and found a large rock to sit on for fear his legs would give out. It was damp, and he shivered from the cold wetness on the seat of his jeans.

Staring at the dark water again, he unscrewed the topper of the metal flask. He took one long swig of whiskey, cringing against the burn in his throat. The burn spread from his throat to the corners of his eyes. He blinked furiously, trying to clear his vision of the intruding wetness.

Slumping forward, he buried his face in his hands, allowing the creek bed to bear witness to yet another wreck.

~*~*~

The room was dark and warm. It was almost too warm for Bella, who was wearing quite a few layers to combat the cold outside. However, she imagined that, to the man lying in front of her wearing only a paper-thin gown under some sorry excuses for blankets, the room was just right.

Edward's hand was hot in hers as she held it tight, trailing the fingers of her other hand along his arm. She had been quietly watching him for a long time. His chest rose and fell in a slow, steady rhythm, and that was the only movement he made. Bella's gaze kept getting fixed on his face, what little of it was visible anyway. He looked serene, asleep, but there was no movement beneath his eyelids. Was there anything happening in his mind right now? Were there any images flashing before his mind's eye? As Bella stared, she willed his eyelashes to flutter, his lips to twitch, anything to show a sign that his survival was not strictly mechanical.

Edward's hair was still matted with traces of blood. Carlisle had told Bella and Alice that the nurses would be bathing him as best they could early in the morning. Everything, from the gown he wore, the sheets that lie over him, and the whole hospital room, was pristine and white. From what little glimpses she could see from beneath the layers of bandages, Edward's body was a different story. The skin beneath the gauze that wrapped around his head looked incredibly swollen. There were cuts on his neck and a sickeningly purple tinge to his skin before it disappeared into more bandages at his collarbone.

Bella couldn't even fathom how he looked beneath the gauze.

She reached up a shaky hand and lightly pressed her fingers to the unmarred flesh of his bottom lip. It felt chilled beneath her touch. She was reminded of the first time she felt those lips against her own.

It was late in the summer after she had graduated from high school. The group of friends was out enjoying a beautiful night together with a bonfire at La Push beach. Miraculously, they had all managed to stay together in their tight-knit little world in Forks. Edward, Emmett, and Jasper had been out of school for two years, all opting not to dive directly into further education. Rosalie, who was a year older than Bella and Alice, was at the Community College, still doing general studies. Bella had no plans for college, unlike Alice, who was buzzing with excitement at the start of her first quarter at the Community College as well. She, of course, was dead-set on doing something with art, often speaking about becoming an art therapist.

The sun had set and the night had cooled down significantly, but it was still pleasant. After an impromptu game of tag between Jasper, Emmett, Edward, and Bella along the shore, Jasper and Emmett had retreated back to the bonfire for drinks.

Edward and Bella began a slow walk along the edge of the water, letting the icy cold of the tide sting their toes. They talked about how the end of school meant the end of summer vacations. Bella asked Edward about his job at the music store he worked at, which he really seemed to love. He gushed about all the beautiful instruments that he got to play while getting paid to man the store, and about the children he gave piano lessons to. Bella had hung on his every word, as swept up in his passion as he was, but perhaps for different reasons.

When he spoke about the instruments, his hands would gesture elaborately, mimicking the motions required to play them. Bella could almost see the violin in his hands as he slid an imaginary bow across invisible strings, his fingers dancing in the air along frets that he could see clearly in his mind.

His face would light up at the recollection of one of his pupils finally nailing a difficult chord progression, the smile on his face a clear indicator that he loved what he did. Bella loved what he did too, and could listen to him speak about it forever.

He spoke of how Emmett and Jasper seemed similarly content in their simple, yet steady and rewarding jobs. Emmett would spend all day under the hood of a car in the repair shop if he could, and Jasper loved putting his musical expertise to use in the record store that sat directly across from the shop where Edward worked.

When Edward asked Bella how she liked her new job at the book store that had just opened downtown, she could only shrug. Business was slow, but she loved being around so much literature and the quiet didn't bother her.

The pair walked for a long time, talking more than they had in months. When the cold made Bella hunch her shoulders and wrap her arms around herself, Edward took notice. He put his arm around her and rubbed her shoulder. When she relaxed against him, seemingly receptive to his gesture, he slowed his pace, eventually stopping altogether.

Bella looked over at him, and he smiled sweetly. The wind tossed his hair in every direction, helping to make it the beautiful mess Bella so admired. Edward unzipped his hoodie and pulled Bella to him, enveloping her in the soft fabric. His embrace was strong and warm, and Bella all but snuggled against his chest. They stood like that for a few minutes, very quiet after such steady conversation, before Edward spoke.

"You seem happy, Bella," he said, softly. Bella relished the deep hum of his voice as she had her ear pressed against his chest.

"I am," she affirmed, pulling away slightly so that she could look at him. He smiled down at her and rubbed her back, looking deep in thought.

When he brought a hand up to gently brush his fingers down Bella's cheek, she thought her heart would burst from her chest. He'd always been sweet with her, always knew how to set the butterflies in her tummy free, but never quite like this. Bella had always felt that he couldn't possibly realize the things he did to her, or understand the silent shock of admiration and desire he overwhelmed her with daily. Then again, he was Edward Cullen; he knew very well the effect he seemed to have on women.

While Edward perhaps didn't know how he made Bella feel, he was certainly aware of his feelings for her.

He took in Bella's somewhat surprised expression as he felt the warm softness of her skin beneath his fingers. Her eyes held his, the deep mocha color captivating him. Her tongue peeked out to wet her lips and his gaze was distracted. Bella watched as his gaze descended to her lips and felt her cheeks warm with a slight blush. His face lowered closer to hers, so slowly that her breathing seemed to hitch in anticipation. When she could feel his breath on her lips she shut her eyes and waited.

His lips were soft and timid against hers. He felt her lean into him, her hands traveling slowly up his chest. Waves crawled lazily up the sand and faint chatter could be heard from the bonfire now a good distance away, but as far as the pair now locked together in an embrace of arms and lips was concerned, no sound existed but their breathing.

The kiss had barely begun to deepen when Edward pulled away slowly. He held Bella's gaze once again, his chest almost aching from the happiness he felt. Bella watched as his lips curled up into that crooked smile that always made her pulse double its pace.

"Bella?" Alice called softly from door of the hospital room. Bella gasped slightly as the memories of that beautiful smile and those beautiful green eyes gave way to the broken reality before her. His lips were dry and cracked, his eyes closed and motionless.

"Edward…" Bella whispered, a tear escaping from the corner of her eye.

She felt a hand on her back and sighed. Visiting hours had come to a close, and Alice needed to get to bed so she could go to school early the next morning. Carlisle had told them that Edward would be moved to a new room the next day for the remainder of his lengthy stay in the hospital.

Once again, Bella felt like she was leaving a piece of her behind as she left the room. It was almost a physical pain, like half her heart was being torn away and left abandoned. She wrapped her arms tightly around her chest against the sensation and welcomed Alice's silent embrace as they left.

~*~*~

It was shortly before noon when Bella parked her truck in front of Edward and Jasper's apartment. Jasper's car was parked a few spots down. She tried not to dwell on the obvious absence of one particular car.

She was simultaneously relieved and perplexed at the sight of Jasper's blue Mustang. Upon leaving the hospital the night before, she had decided to give Jasper a call, but he hadn't answered. She had shrugged it off, knowing it was late and he was probably asleep. She had tried Jasper's cell again just a short while ago, and had again reached his voicemail. Finally, she decided to head over to the apartment to check things out.

She knocked on the door, the action a bit painful on her frozen knuckles. It was a cold and windy day, and she pulled her coat tighter around her as she waited.

No one answered the door. After another moment's hesitation she knocked again, louder this time. Bella was feeling something less than patient and so she dug into her purse and pulled out her key ring, finding the key to Edward's apartment that he had given to her a couple years ago.

She rarely used it, but liked knowing she had it. Knowing that Edward trusted her enough with a key to his place had been a special moment for Bella. She would often get lost in daydreams of having a house with Edward, and would likewise often get a bit frustrated that it wasn't a reality yet.

Her hand was shaky as she tried to find the keyhole, her numb fingers not cooperating with her intentions. Just as the key finally slid into place, the doorknob turned itself and the door was wrenched open.

Jasper stood before her, raking his fingers through a tangled mess of hair that looked as though it hadn't seen a brush in days. He looked momentarily confused, and then his features relaxed. It took Bella a moment to realize he was standing in the doorway in nothing but a pair of jeans. When another cold gust of wind rushed by, she made to invite herself into the apartment.

"Jesus, Jazz, close the door, you're going to freeze!" she murmured as he stepped aside to let her pass. He did so, and then he simply stood where he was, scratching at the stubble on his chin. Bella paused in the middle of removing her coat when she realized he hadn't moved.

"I'm sorry…to just show up like this, but I tried to call," she said quietly, unsure now if she was bothering him with her presence.

"You called?" Jasper asked, his voice sounding a little bit huskier than usual. Bella raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah…um…well, I called last night, but it was late, maybe you were asleep?" When Jasper didn't respond, she continued, "But I called just a little while ago, too."

Jasper walked slowly over to the couch, avoiding Bella's gaze. He sat down, slouching immediately in the overstuffed cushions, and gestured off to his side. Leaning against the armrest at the other end of the couch was his guitar.

"Sorry. I was playing, I guess I didn't hear," he mumbled. Bella noticed bags under his eyes that weren't usually there, and his posture screamed of exhaustion. He definitely didn't look better than when she had last seen him.

She finished removing her coat and draped it over the back of the armchair before sitting down, feeling slightly awkward. It was quiet for a moment. Jasper sat with his eyes closed, his head resting on the back of the couch. Bella bit her lip as she looked him over. She was a little bit chilly still, even though she was inside. She couldn't understand how Jasper was comfortable without a shirt on. Even his feet were bare. And were those the same jeans he had worn the day before?

She cleared her throat, if only to make some kind of noise to fill the awkward silence. Jasper opened his eyes, but only stared at the ceiling. The absence of conversation didn't sit well with Bella. It reminded her of whose voice was missing.

"Did you need something?" Jasper asked quietly, lowering his head slowly to look at Bella. Her eyes shot up from where they had been trained on her fidgeting hands in her lap. He didn't sound rude, nor did he sound interested. It sounded like Jasper was just trying to fill the silence as well.

"Edward's being moved into a new room today," Bella said, meeting Jasper's gaze but failing to hold it as he quickly looked away.

"Oh yeah?" he muttered, picking at the frayed hole at the knee of his jeans.

"Yeah. I guess it's a room he'll have for the rest of his time in the hospital," Bella's voice was so faint she wondered if he could even hear her. But Jasper nodded, even glancing up at her for a moment. "So, I wanted to come and maybe get some things of his…you know, stuff to make the room more personal, since he'll be there for a while…" she continued, her voice cracking slightly on the last bit.

Jasper looked up, frowning at her. He opened his mouth as if to say something, and then closed it, opting to bring his hands up to try and tame his hair instead.

Bella stood, wanting to get away from the tense air between them, and made her way down the hall to Edward's room. The door was open, as were the blinds, and the natural light of the overcast day shed a hazy light through the room.

Behind her, she could hear the gentle strumming of a guitar.

Edward's room was very clean and tidy, as it usually was. His bed was made. He always made a point to make his bed shortly after he got up in the mornings. The laundry basket in the corner by his closet had only a few articles of clothing in it. The only messy area of the room was where his keyboard sat in front of the window. Sheet music and open music books were strewn on the floor near the stool, and crumpled pieces of paper and chewed-up pencils littered the top of the white and black keys.

Bella sat down on the corner of Edward's bed, feeling the walls crash down around her. Her breath caught in her chest as she resisted the wave of feelings that threatened her. She reached out for his pillow, hugging it to her chest. When his sweet scent, so strong on the fabric, overwhelmed her, she could no longer fight it.

Somewhere between a B minor chord and a slow arpeggio, Jasper heard the sobs. He placed his palm across the strings to silence them and listened. Bella was crying.

He set his guitar down and stood, his stomach clenching at the sound of her cries. His lip suffered some abuse from his teeth as he hurried toward Edward's room.

Bella sat there, a crumpled mess, on the edge of Edward's bed, her face buried in a pillow. He rushed over, kneeling down in front of her and touching one of her clenched fists lightly. Bella was startled by the touch, and then felt her cheeks grow hot. She kept her face in the pillow.

"Bella?" Jasper whispered. He felt the now familiar twisting in his stomach. He thought she cringed away from his touch, so he took his hand away, moving it to rub roughly at the back of his neck. Bella peeked out from behind her hair and saw the distressed look on Jasper's face. She tried to straighten up, lowering the pillow but letting her hair hang down over her face. She dabbed her sleeve sheepishly under her nose. Jasper leaned in and brushed the hair out of her eyes.

"I uh…I'd offer you my handkerchief, but you still have it," he said, attempting a smile that didn't really reach his eyes.

Bella laughed despite her tears. How could he always manage to make her smile when he so clearly found it hard to smile himself? Her eyes met his, and the sadness she saw there made tears well up again. Jasper frowned, his attempt at making Bella feel better seeming all too weak.

When Bella held her arms out, Jasper moved to pull himself up to sit on the bed next to her. Her arms went around him in a tight hug, and he was reminded of the last embrace they'd shared. He had wanted to comfort her, much as he wanted to now, and yet she was always the one pulling him to her. He rubbed her back, feeling absolutely confounded as to how he was supposed to be able to comfort anyone.

Bella laid her head on Jasper's shoulder. His skin was warm, and she closed her eyes as a faint smell of cologne reached her. She sniffled, still trying to calm herself down.

"It's ok, Bella," Jasper muttered, holding onto her and continuing to rub her back. He went through the motions, hoping it was what she needed.

A few moments later her little voice whispered, "Are you okay, Jazz?"

Jasper stiffened against her, his breathing stopping and his brow furrowing. Bella pulled away, having noticed this response. He looked angry. His eyes darted from hers to the floor sporadically.

"What do you mean am I okay?" He huffed, getting to his feet. Bella was confused by this reaction and reached out to grab his hand. She only grazed his fingers with her own because he had begun to walk away toward the door of the room. Bella stood, thoroughly miffed by his behavior at this point.

"Jasper," she called, grabbing his hand properly. He stopped and turned to face her.

"Bella, I can't even handle you asking _me_ if I'm okay. That's just so ridiculous," he grunted, the corners of his lips turning down in such a severe frown it made him look deranged. Bella let go of his hand and crossed her arms in front of her.

"What the hell is so ridiculous about it, Jasper?" Her eyes narrowed at him. Jasper was momentarily taken aback by how her sweet face could convey such anger. In all the years he'd known her, he'd never been the object of her ill-humor…not that he hadn't witnessed it often enough. Something about her tone and her scrutinizing gaze being directed at him made it different. Mentally, he felt dwarfed by her, which was a new sensation for his 6'3" self.

"Bella…" he murmured, his gaze pleading with her before falling to the floor again.

Bella's annoyance faded slightly as she watched him.

"Jasper," she touched his arm lightly, "Jazz, just talk to me, okay?"

Jasper didn't want to talk. His gaze wandered the room, taking in the cool tone of the walls and the sterility of the hyper-organized room. The implications of its lifelessness hung heavy on his shoulders like an inescapable yoke. Bella didn't take her eyes off of him during his hesitation.

"It's like…I feel like…" Jasper started, getting frustrated with an inability to find the words he didn't even want to speak. "It feels like Edward is dead or something, and—"

"Jasper!" Bella squeaked, her hand flying up to her mouth. Jasper brought his hands to his face and rubbed roughly.

"No! I mean it's like…it just feels like that, because everything is so fucked up and everyone is so sad and he's in there, barely… and you're…" he trailed off, his sentences falling apart. He felt a sting at the corner of his eyes and turned his back to Bella's strained face.

He never felt the warm touch or soft words he had almost come to expect, and his shoulders fell.

A heavy silence seemed to drag on for an eternity. When his eyes ceased to betray him with pointless tears, he turned slowly. Bella was still standing there, her eyes trained on the floor, rubbing her arm absentmindedly.

This time, it was Jasper who felt the need to pull her to him. He wrapped his arms around her and she fell apart against him. He felt her arms wrap around his waist and she laid her face against his chest.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," he choked, his throat tightening painfully, "I'm so sorry this happened." He felt as hot tears from Bella's eyes slid down his skin, leaving goose bumps in their wake.

Bella didn't want to cry on him, but she also didn't want to pull away. There was something intense in their embrace, and in every embrace they'd shared since the accident. It was a tangling of need and despair that each could feel so strongly.

"I'm sorry that it happened too…" Bella whispered, blinking away the tears in her eyes, "but it isn't your fault, Jazz, it isn't anyone's fault." Jasper remained silent. "We're all…sad, Jazz, of course we are, but Edward isn't d— He's going to be okay."

Bella pulled her face away then, and blushed when she saw the wet mess she'd left behind on Jasper's chest. She brought her hand up and gently brushed her fingers over his skin, trying to wipe his chest clean. Jasper sucked in a short breath, almost imperceptibly, as her fingers went lower onto his stomach. Bella pulled her hand away, biting her lip and blushing once again.

With an uncomfortable laugh, Jasper took up the task Bella had begun and wiped his hand down his chest.

"Why don't you come with me to the hospital?" Bella asked quietly, turning to pick up a few items she knew she wanted to take to Edward. His pillow, his iPod and speakers, a few pictures he had sitting on his nightstand…

"Yeah…okay. Let me get a quick shower first," Jasper muttered, turning and walking swiftly from the room.

Bella returned her gaze to the picture frame in her hand. Edward's beaming, happy face peered up at her; his arm wrapped tightly around her own image, some four years ago. His unruly auburn hair hung in his eyes, longer than he usually wore it. The sun illuminated his green eyes that almost disappeared from the breath-taking smile he wore. Bella sighed, desperately hoping that it wouldn't be long before she could see that smile again.


End file.
